not the end

This is just a chapter. Not the entirety of the rest of the story. In other words, a season, not a lifetime.

Though not especially original, I came up with the above during one of those days when my mind thinks:

• I went to college for this?
• Is it really going to snow again on Saturday?
• Am I the mother my 14 year old daughter needs?
• Etc.etc.etc.

I'm currently reading Anna Karenina.  Apparently there are those who venture to say this is the greatest work of fiction ever written.  It is extremely long, over 900 pages.  I'm reading it on my Kindle [it was a free download since it's a classic], so it's a bit difficult to monitor page wise how much I have remaining.  My Kindle tells me I'm 82% through it, so yes, I could obviously do the math. I'm roughly on page 800.  It is a well written [IMO] , expansive novel that incorporates numerous characters and themes.  Yet, I'm ready to move on to something outside the realm of Russian imperialism.  Plus, I know how it's going to end.  At least for Anna.  Therefore, I'm more than anxious to be done with it.

It's interesting to me that we so often think we'll end up somewhere, whether an actual place or a place in our psyche, and we never quite do.  The best laid plans, so to speak.  My husband and I are not doing today what we thought we'd be doing when we married.  Or what we thought we'd be doing today when we looked ahead in 1998.  Or really even what we thought we'd be doing today in 2004.

For many years I truly believed [probably rightly so] that I was to give my working life to a specific cause and/or movement.  I gave many volunteer and working hours to this particular cause.  I thought I always would.  I thought my professional life would grow in that direction, finally leading to a position of leadership.  Yet alas, I'm not even on a close track.  Whether or not I will eventually, I don't know.  I honestly doubt it.  I think that season is over.  A door closed.

Today is Ash Wednesday, and as I begin the Lent season, I'm reminded it's time to move on.  In other words, it's time to get over it.  Get over the past.  All the plans and expectations.  All the closed doors and disappointments.  So life didn't play out exactly as planned?  Focus on what has turned out great.  Focus on the family I love.  Last night I had the chance to serve spaghetti to families in one of the programs I work with at my job.  [I apologize for the excessive use of prepositions in that last sentence.]  My daughter Allie came along to help.  I should focus on positive opportunities like this instead of all the past ministry experiences that didn't work out.

Likewise, I'm reminded this is a season.  This isn't how things will always be.  It's winter, snow flurries are flying.  It's cold.  But in a few months, it will be warm.  I'll sit on our back deck and read in the sun.  Metaphorically, a new season will arrive.  Life will change.  What's great about today might not always be; what's gloomy about today will possibly change to joy.  Today's not the end of the story. 
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I am reminded:

this is not the end

I encourage you to listen to this song.  Here are the words:

This is not the end  

This is not the end of this  

We will open our eyes wide, wider
This is not our last  

This is not our last breath  

We will open our mouths wide, wider
And you know you'll be alright  

Oh and you know you'll be alright
This is not the end  

This is not the end of us  

We will shine like stars bright, brighter
Gungor

Happy Ash Wednesday.  Happy Lent. 

I am meditating on this today:  

 But this I recall and therefore have I hope and expectation:

 It is because of the Lord’s mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not.

They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.

  The Lord is my portion or share, says my living being (my inner self); therefore will I hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him.

 Lamentations 3:21-24  Amplified Bible (AMP)

are you ready?

Why do we frequently ask people, in December:  Are you ready for Christmas?

Yes, obviously, we ask for a few reasons.

We genuinely want to know.
We're making conversation.
Etc.

Yet I'm curious why we don't ask the same questions in regard to Easter.  Are you ready for Easter?  I realize we don't put the same effort in at Easter time.  There aren't the gifts to buy, parties to attend, cards to mail.  We don't decorate in the same manner.  Sure, if we have small kids we might buy them a new outfit.  We might decorate eggs.  We might plan a nice meal and we're more likely to attend church on Easter Sunday than any other day [at least I think we are....].

The last few years, I've put in an honest effort in preparing for Easter.  The Catholics and the more liturgical Protestant types call this season Lent.  People give up something, or try to focus on the sacrifice of Jesus and what the death.burial.resurrection really means.  I find this to be a good practice.

This year, I've decided to concentrate.  I want to practice the discipline of meditation, specifically focusing on gratitude.  Why gratitude?  Well, for a number of reasons.  Mainly though, because I've heard in the past from people I'm close to, that I'm not a very grateful person [ouch].  And because I want my kids to learn to show gratitude in a more deliberate way.  So I suppose they could use an example.  Also, I've recently been reading about gratitude and have learned studies show those who are grateful are healthier, happier and live longer than those who are not.

Meditation will not come easy to me.  I have a wandering mind.  My concentration is not the best.  I am rarely alone.  But, I pledge to give it a shot.  And I also pledge to not hold myself accountable to another's standards.  If I decide to meditate while walking around the neighborhood, so be it.  It might not be the text book example of meditation, but it will be mine.  And who knows, maybe I'll come up with a whole new theological.philosophical methodology and become a guru of sorts.  Doubtful.

I am also making myself listen to more worshipful music.  Truth be told, I had all but abandoned this genre personally.  Mainly because what's popular today seems to have a lot of personal commands [ie "lift it up, Church" and "shout it out" and "raise your hands" and on.and.on]  Too much yelling, or at least what I deem as pseudo yelling.  So I researched and now make myself listen to a few new.to.me groups.  I am particularly liking The Brilliance [they're related to Gungor, literally and figuratively] and All Sons and Daughters.  And my newest musical find is Rend Collective Experiment.  RCE is from Northern Ireland.  I like their style, again no yelling.  I'm also a big fan of good musicianship, as in musicians who are actually quite talented instrumentally.

My husband Chip is giving up a great deal of his social media outlets.  He is no longer utilizing Facebook.  While I'm not giving it up, I have decided to not connect my Tweets with FB.  While that might not seem a drastic measure to you, dear reader, I have grown tired of the constant Facebook looks throughout the day.  I don't need to keep up to date with a person I barely knew in high school or some guy who might or might not have had a crush on me in 1985 or even relatives that don't really care to truly keep in touch.  So, I will continue to check in on some close college friends and local people and the bakery down the road.  But I must stop updating and checking to see who's responded and looking at endless pictures of children I do not know.  I also cannot allow myself to waste thought energy getting annoyed at the purity author/specialist who insists I do not read Fifty Shades of Grey, but constantly has typos in her statuses.  So if you care, and I doubt you do all that much, follow me on Twitter.  I will continue to post my blog updates on FB for my compadres who do not tweet.

This coming Wednesday is Ash Wednesday.  I considered becoming a vegan for Lent, but I like my other plans better.  Besides, I'm already a vegetarian.  Now for 40 days I'll be a meditating vegetarian.  My workmates already call me a hippie.  Now they have even more reason to.  Except I wear cardigans from Ann Taylor Loft and own a J Crew denim jacket, which I don't think are typical hippie apparel.   Although they were either given to me or I purchased them at a thrift store.  Yes, my mind wanders.........

Happy Lent!  I hope it's a unique and uplifting season for you.  And me.  And I hope when Easter comes, we're ready.