fear.factors

Fear is the squelcher of hope.  It's difficult to be hopeful when you're fearful.  To hope is to wish for the best.  To fear is [well, I think you know what to fear is].   Because HOPE is my word for 2013, I'm reminded fear is on the other end of the pole. 

Someone recently asked me if I feel afraid in my neighborhood.  For example, am I afraid to walk through it alone?  I answered no, because honestly, I am not.  While I wouldn't take a slow stroll post 9pm by myself, I'm uninhibited most of the time.

Though I am a self admitted anxiety struggler, I don't really consider myself someone who lives in fear.  Sure, I worry about things [a lot].....mostly little, unimportant things.  Things that the earth's turning do not depend on.

But sometimes fear hits, unexpectedly.  It doesn't stick around long.  It pays a visit, then heads on down the road.  I remember a morning last fall, while I was getting ready for work.  Scattered thoughts.  Joy thieves.  Negative scenarios.  Why it came when it did, I'm not sure.

I recently read Brene' Brown book, Daring Greatly.  So far, I really like Brene', and just might add her to my list of women I'd like to eat dinner with.  In case you're curious, that list currently includes:

• Barbara Kingsolver (greatest author ever)
• Catherine Marshall (unfortunately she's dead)
• Gretchen Rubin (I'm really liking her The Happiness Project)
• Madeleine Albright (first female US Sec of State.....and she's only 4'10.  Yay for petite people)

                      and others I can't think of right now

More about Brene'.........she's sincere and she's funny and she's not afraid to throw in the word, sh*t.  In other words, she keeps it real.  Daring Greatly is about the courage to be vulnerable, and I am not super great about being vulnerable.  It's not easy to admit, I am sometimes fearful.

Fearful that:

• The new moles on my face equal skin cancer
• Something bad will happen to my husband or children
• I will end my days alone
• I will acquire dementia like my grandmother

Again, these are not constant, always with me fears.  They pop into my brain; pop out of my brain.

The most prominent, possibly most realistic, seemingly typical female college graduate with a daughter fear that remains pretty much a constant:

I am not enough.  I have not accomplished enough.  My daughter will look at me and feel I haven't done what I should have done.  I'm helping someone else live their dream, and am not living mine.  I am letting her down.  I am letting myself down.  I was on the road to sure success.......and I got detoured.  I let go of the dream. I must encourage her to be all she can be.

Whether or not there's any truth to the above, the message makes a frequent appearance in my head, and from what I've learned, in other women's too.  I remember a scene from Modern Family [yes, it's a comedy, but still has some realistic points] in which I cried.  The gist of it was Clare [a mother of a teen girl] wanting to be a good example for her daughter.  There's the fear that the end will come and not all will have been completed.  Even worse, that not much will have been...........

Vulnerability is difficult.  Especially if you're guarded and have a self-perfectionistic streak.  Yet, as one of the favored authors of my adolescence states:

 "How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives." — Judy Blume

This is the deal......I know we're supposed to have faith and not be afraid.  God is with us, and if He is, who can be against us?  How many time have I heard.quoted.thought that verse?  Fear not; fear note; fear not.  It's ingrained in my brain.  Yet, fear comes.  And it squelches hope.  So I try to focus on other things.  I work on happiness and joy and peace.  And the fear moves on. Temporarily. And I work on realizing I am enough.  And the fear moves on...........

joy thief

I often think of happy people as being naive, almost ridiculously carefree.  And aren't all the cool people melancholy?  Artists, musicians, deep thinkers.  They're generally not always smiling.  They're serious and focused.  To me, it's almost like it's perfectly fine to be happy as a child, but once we're grown up, we need to lean towards the {un}happy.  We need to grasp the scope of the world's problems.  Plus we begin to realize what the thieves of joy are.

You've probably heard the expression:

"steal my joy"

As in.....

• nothing can steal my joy
• I let my flat tire steal my joy
• don't let circumstances steal your joy

Maybe you haven't, but in my past I attended a lot of women's ministry type groups, and it seemed to be a standard saying.

Lately I've had a few of those "joy thief" situations.  Car issues.  Expectations.  Emails.  Nice opportunity/bad timing.  The normal anxieties and issues of life.  The winter season.  Cooking sessions that didn't turn out as expected.  Crazy, out of control eyebrows. 

This morning I came face to face, if not literally, then close, to three very real reminders that I should be happy.  Really, really happy because I have so much to be happy about.  On my morning commute I saw not one, not two, but three different scenes that were vivid representations of the joy I should be shouting about, instead of dwelling on the sublime.

Yet, alas, it seems to be so doggone easy to complain, to feel sorry for myself, to question why I can't simply drive a 2013 Lincoln Towncar.  [not really, I've no desire for a Lincoln]

I'm reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  So far, I believe Gretchen and I could truly be good friends if we knew each other.  The thing is, Gretchen, before becoming an author, went to law school and once upon a time was a clerk for none other than Sandra Day O'Connor.  She has a husband who seems to be a great guy, two daughters and she lives in New York City.  And, as I mentioned previously, she's an author [which would be my career of choice, .....right after folk music star].  Why wouldn't Gretchen be completely joyful 98% of the time?  Well....you'll have to read the book to get the full gist.  So far it's great and I've ordered a journal she created to work through with my fam, or at least my daughter.

But.......she did share one thing that for many of us, would quite likely steal our joy on a regular basis.  I won't tell you what it is, but it has to do with her spouse and makes me realize that all of us, no matter how lovely our life looks to outsiders, have things that bring us down.  Often there are really good reasons for this.

Part of my focusing on the word HOPE this year, is learning to concentrate on JOY.  It's hard to be hopeful if I'm not joyful and vice versa, really.  I know people say there's a difference between happiness and joy.  And that we should be content, not necessarily happy.  I've even heard someone say [again, in a women's ministry group] that happiness is overrated.  I'm not sure that's the case.  Really, what's so *#^% bad about being happy?

Isn't that why we have weekends and cupcakes and picnics?

Honestly, I'm working on being {happier} because when I'm happy the people around me seem to be happier too.  Yet, I often feel this distant sense of guilt when I'm happy.  Almost like, "why do you have the right to be, when there's so much suffering in the world?"  Sure, it's part of being an American:  life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  But, I'm not sure the rest of the world thinks too highly of us Americans and our pursuits.  It's hard to keep it in perspective.

Again, maybe to be happy is to be naive.  Or maybe to be naive is to be happy.  And I've been accused of being naive a few times.