conspiracy theory

My husband has told me many times I act like everyone is out to get me.  I confess this is sometimes true.  But I do have evidence.  Really, I do.  Trust me.

Anyway, I do love a good conspiracy theory.  I don't believe Oswald acted alone [does anyone, really?].

I think too much.  Not that I'm a great thinker, but I find my mind wanders and ends up in strange places.  My latest is a theory on why something did not happen.  To me.

While I definitely do not liken myself to anyone important and I'm sure people don't think about me near as much as I suppose they do, I've convinced myself some sequence of events led to me not achieving what I'd hoped to obtain.

When I read back over the last paragraph, I must consider I could be losing my mind.  Alas, bear with me, please.

I've pieced together events and occurrences and have come to the conclusion I have been exposed.  And the exposure has limited my opportunity.

I realize this all sounds mysterious, or perhaps ridiculous.  

While I don't feel it would be appropriate to go into detail, I will say this.  I must learn to let go.  Release.  Relinquish.  Move on.

I think moving on is quite possibly the hardest aspect of life.  Especially when you have given a great deal.  More so when you were willing to give even more.  When you thought it was your purpose or the cause to give your all to.

Yes, that's dramatic and sappy. But that's my story, or theory.

I say all of the above to make my point, which I realize is a long time coming:

It is time to move on.

I actually have physically moved on and I need to take it a step further and mentally do the same.  And emotionally.  And, dare I say, spiritually.  Despite all the nice chats about God's plan and purpose, it's come to my attention that whether or not it was once the case, it is not today.  Today's plan does not equal yesterday's.  And that's a difficult reality. 


I received a phone call a short while back.  I was busy at work and it went to voice mail.  It was a person I'd never met, calling from a place I at one time knew well.  And I realized I'm not over a disappointment.  Actually, I don't know if I could really classify it as "a" disappointment.  Maybe it's a series of them.

Do we ever [get over] all disappointments?  Why can't things be?  The situations and circumstances that to me seem so right, so perfect.  What I'd planned on and worked for and mostly hoped for.  For years.

My husband shared a bit of news with our family the other night.   An update of sorts that left me pleased we're not where we once were.  Yet it's still somewhat painful.  I'm still confused.  People do not understand.  Oh, they believe they do.  Or they're silently judgmental.  Or they really just don't care.

Talents and giftings and all of that stuff we're supposedly good at.  Goals we're encouraged to set.

I can relate to this guy's story.  While it does not mirror my family's, I empathize.

 Conversions: From Senior Pastor 

to Church Dropout

We cannot control other people's actions and reactions.  So we have to learn to let go.  My family is going camping this weekend.  I plan to conduct a brief, private ceremony, for my own benefit.  I will write a few words related to what I need to relinquish on a paper, then place the paper into the campfire.  I will leave my once dream, goal and aspiration behind.  For good.  While that may seem immature or silly, it's what I need to do, so I will.  I'm tired of dwelling on my supposed [conspiracy theory].  

train

There are train tracks beyond our back fence.  I remember getting the scoop regarding the train before we moved into our house.  The previous owner who is also our current next door neighbor told us..........  

The train only comes by once a day, usually around eleven o'clock in the morning, and it moves very slow.  

In other words, no biggie; it won't keep you up at night or scare the begeebers out of you.

And that was the case for just about two years.  Then the train schedule changed.

I know work is being done on the tracks near our home.  I know I've seen train cars with the RJ Corman logo going by and I've assumed this is temporary, only happening while the repairs are being made.  I'm hoping the train schedule will return to normal soon.  The new schedule makes our beagle howl.  She gets fired up every time she hears the train coming.  The new schedule means the train sometimes goes by at odd hours, not just at eleven o'clock.  

I've learned that other situations in life are similar to my local train route.  You start out with the schedule.  A plan is in place, a route map so to speak.  You know what to expect, where you're going, who's along for the ride.  Then, out of the blue, sometimes without warning, the train changes its route.  The husband's job changes or someone becomes ill.  The dream doesn't end up coming true.  The goal cannot be obtained.  You realize a person you trusted is not who you thought he was.  The money is simply not available.  Their priorities change.  The decision makers have had a change of heart.  You were once happy, but just can't find the joy anymore.

Off track.  It's a cliche term.  Maybe there really is no track.  I realize that often life does not go as planned.  Sometimes it doesn't go as anyone would ever plan, because who in the world would ask for this?  Honestly, sometimes I look at people whom we admire, those who seem to have it all together and are extremely successful, and I wonder.......  Perhaps they are not truly on the right track.  We deem success equals the right plan.  I'm not sure how that equates with martyrdom.  So maybe the pseudo successful just make a good appearance. 

Or maybe I just haven't come to appreciate how to keep the train on schedule, metaphorically.  I'd really like to figure it out. 

extraORDinary

This is a prayer from the February 5 reading of Common Prayer:

Lord, remind us that it is not always agitated uprisings and nonstop activity which lead to justice, but that change often comes through the quiet commitment of a small group of people. Help us raise our small body of people to set about quietly becoming the change we want to see in the world. Amen.

The prayer above is interesting.  It's not a bring down the house kind of prayer.  It's not a call to action.  Well, actually I suppose it is.  It's a call to a quiet commitment.  It's a call to set about quietly becoming the change.  It's revolutionary, but not in the typical revolutionary kind of way.  No shouting, fighting, or calling to arms.

I was reminded recently of some of the personal goals my husband had when we married.  They were fine goals.  They were reasonable and most likely achievable.  But that's just it.  They were about achieving.  And they would have required nonstop activity and noise.  The opposite of the above prayer.  So I'm glad he didn't obtain them. 

Yes, I know that sounds strange.....I'm glad my husband did not meet his goals!  I'm happy he's not doing anything extraordinary.  And neither am I doing anything extraordinary, of which I'm also glad.

But really, I'm not sure if that's really true.  Get this:

Unless you make what is right left, and what is left right, what is above into what is below, and what is behind into what is in front, you will not learn the Kingdom.
Acts of Peter
The Apocrypha

[please do not label me as a heretic for quoting The Apocrypha]

But please do consider, perhaps we live in an upside down world, and what we deem as ordinary is often [as on a regular basis] actually extraordinary:

taking a walk with your family

making dinner with someone you care about

eating a meal together

watching a football game with your spouse

listening to an orchestra

riding a bike or hiking a trail or running in the rain

teaching a child

cleaning your bathroom

being alone

In other words, quietly becoming the change we want to see in the world.  And being thankful for the joy found in that quietness. 

resolutely

January through March [aka winter] is the most difficult time of the year for me.  I'm not a fan of cold weather.  I don't like the interruption to normal schedules that snow days can bring.  Sure, back when my kids were young and I didn't work full time, a snow day was a beautiful thing.  Now snowy days mean a bit of a treacherous drive to work and way too many people shopping at Kroger for white bread.

Partly to help me happily navigate the dark season [what I've labeled winter], and partly because I think it's an obviously good idea, I've broken down {resolutions/goals/things I wanna try to accomplish} by category and by month.  I'm reading The Happiness Project and though I've just completed a few chapters, I'm taking some leads from Gretchen Rubin and tweaking them to fit my life.

I've got some things at home that desperately need to be organized.  Perhaps not to the average visitor, but there are some projects that are calling, actually screaming my name, "Organize me, NOW!"  So, I've decided to pick one project a month.  I'm being kind to myself, in that I don't have to list out 12 projects today.  I'm sure some will come about during the year.  But....so far, I've got myself through winter, which is the focus time right now anyway:

January
recipe organization [my recipes are a mess, and that's no way to live]
February
kids' papers organization, as in all that stuff they bring home from school [yes, even into their senior year of HS]
March
craft supply organization [every couple of years I reorganize.....and alas, it's needed again]

I've decided to also pick one creative.decorating.art project a month.  I greatly enjoy these type of home projects and if I don't actually record a commitment to do them, years can go by with only good ideas and intentions.  So, here's my plan so far:

January
art for kids bathroom [the walls are pretty bare in there]
February
frame some of the pictures from the Renoir and van Gogh books I purchased at Half Price Books months ago for this purpose and hang in our kitchen
March
paint our inside doors that face out [this one will take some working up to, as it will take decision making on colors, and will be a rather bold statement for our home]
April
plant flowers in pots outside and make new front door wreath
May
create something to hang on wall in master bath

According to Brene Brown, we all need to take time for creativity.  Even those of us who don't label ourselves as creative.  I akin it to working out.  I am not an all-star athlete.  I don't expect to win any races this year or be drafted into the WNBA [does it still exist?], but I still should exercise.  Likewise, whether or not my artwork or crafts or photos or whatever are professional quality, the point is I need to use my creativity.  All too often, I've considered this type of activity as a luxury or something to do when all other tasks are complete.  Well, not in 2013.  Creating will become a regular part of my routine.

I also want to set some food goals/personal eating restrictions.  I won't bore you with those details, but I will say I'm tired of feeling guilty each time I indulge in bottled water [therefore I should stop] and I have not done well in avoiding processed foods.  I need to make my eating rules more of a priority, even if it means skipping eating at a restaurant that all the cool people are going to.

As far as other goals, I'm allowing myself to take it month by month.  I'm interested in human trafficking prevention, but am not sure how to get into it.  I'm interested in helping people who are not literate.  I'm interested in joining a book club.  But I realize I'm not going to have all of these ready to check off on Jan 1.  So......  I'll keep them on a list and see what comes about.  Oh, I'll pursue them, but not simply for the sake of accomplishment.

There are also the randoms:

• visit the Cincinnati Museum of Art at least once [our fam typically does]
• hike Red River Gorge [haven't done that in a while]
• read back through my 2011 Fruit of the Spirit Journal entries
• send more cards via the USPS [who doesn't like to receive mail?]
• email my mother more [she likes this]
• eat more raw foods
• avoid Velveeta
• spend a day at The Abbey of Gethsemani 
• journal more

I'm looking forward to April and spring and getting my recipes organized.  If you have a good system, let me know, ASAP.

Resolutely yours,
DM

P.S.  Happy New Year!